"Seeding just one grain of trust at the beginning, can allow us to harvest from a whole field of grain in years to come..." 

Grace McIntyre




Sustainable Partner trust mission of ecosystem plant business holding green plant together
Image by Gus Moretta
Legs of a couple standing opposite each other divided by the yellow asphalt line top view.
Image by Daiga Ellaby
The 'I'

Taking that first step into therapy, can be a daunting move. With the commitment made together, we can begin to nurture that first grain of trust. So you can begin to transform the ways in which you engage with intimacy with yourself and others. So as to harvest many grains of joy, pleasure, safety and embodiment for the future.

Safety is one of the most important ingredients to enable the body to feel good about exploring, experimenting and taking risks in broaching taboos, difficult truths, fantasies and dreams. When in a couple, the smell, movement, taste, figure, gesture, essence of your being can act as a trigger that prompts the brake, or inspire the accelerator to promote arousal in the other. This is called a ‘situational trigger’, instead of oppressing or hiding this state of being triggered, we want to find a way to witness what the part feels needs to happen differently and/or to reality check the fear that may have got released into the body. And re-orientate to the present moment through context, choice and connection.

Boundaries form part of an important developmental phase called 'separation-individuation' (Object Relations Theory/Jungian Theory). In couples who have problematic boundaries, they will often find themselves moving through the 'Drama Triangle', of Victim, Bystander/Rescuer and Perpetrator (Transactional Analysis). Which can lead to co-dependency. emotional abuse, narcissism, disconnection, resentment, stagnation and traumatic re-enactments. When we can embody a sense of the safe containing boundaries of our body and the permission of - I CHOOSE to engage in the intimacy that invites me to step outside of rigidity into exploration. We need to develop the skill to be reflexive in our boundaries. Which means they can become rigid to create safety and protection, and soften when becoming vulnerable: flexible.

Having connection to the sensory world through our bodies is a fundamental aspect of sexuality, sensuality, and intimacy. Our senses help us inform boundaries, the things we do and do not like, guides our imaginations into the familiar and also into the novel. Working in couples’ sessions, we can begin to map out a deeper connection to your individual sensory worlds. Pulling upon the arts and self-expression, Polyvagal Theory, and sensorimotor processing.  As well as dialogic negotiation and sharing of one another’s unique body/mind experience.

When we reference the 'I' position, we are learning to share from our own unique perspective without, blaming, shaming or dumping on others. When moving towards getting our needs met in intimate relationships, it is important to determine a sense of talking boundary so that difficult topics can be explored and worked upon constructively. This is best achieved when we do not adopt the positions from the 'drama triangle' (Transactional Analysis), as this can lead to perpetuating re-enactments. Instead, we want to deepen into our own individual experience by connecting with our own true and valiant truth. This can be achieved through sharing with your partner from the ‘I’ position ( The Talking Boundary, created by Pia Mellody).